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On the 30th of December, I was ready to leave the facility. I talked to the psychiatrist and the social workers. They wished me good luck saying that I seem to be very strong (am I?). I had to fill out some paperwork then they gave me back my belongings. It was funny because I had to pack in the hallway so I couldn't share anything with someone else. I sat on the floor. My new friends tried to help and they constantly giggled. When H. arrived I got way too excited...and sad. I kept hugging the entire group one by one. I admit that half of my soul did not want to leave at all...can you imagine? I got used to the environment, the rules, and the strict schedule. I still make schedules in my daily life to discipline myself. Yep, I enjoy it.
By this time, H. had a new job and our new apartment was almost ready to take us in. In the meantime H.'s AA friend and his cute dog let us to stay in his house. Blessings.
My mind was spinning as we left the hospital. I was unable to decide whether I should be happy or melancholic. Maybe I can afford both feelings. I was free but deep inside I was scared of the reality. The program did focus on recovery and the possibilities of the future. However, we did not have a lot of stimuli from the real world. What if I will fail...slip. What if I cannot adapt again? What if I cannot take responsibility? What if I will want to drink again?
I knew that I should not think about anything but the "now". So I started chatting with H. on the way to his friend's house. I admired the snowy trees and the dirty roads. We stopped at a store to buy groceries and I looked around in awe as if I was a child. At one point, I just laughed hysterically (not in the store though). Probably I had a hypomanic episode.
I remained a bit confused and could not find sleep that night. I missed the light from the hallway for heaven's sake. I even missed the checks. Ridiculous, isn't it? But I did not want to drink.
So today, I came across a TED talk on Youtube hosted by Johann Hari. He claimed that he did research on the topic and found out that addiction is not related to physical abuse of substances. I agree. If that was the case, everyone would be addicted who ever took heavy painkillers for a while (Hari mentioned this example). What raised my eyebrow is when he said that addiction is based on bonding issues and on the environment. He presented a study conducted by Dr. Alexander. The Rat Park experiment. That study proved that rats only tended to use drugs that were provided to them when their cages were empty. Once the cage was full with food, toys, other rats etc the rats hardly touched (or never did) the drugs because they found well...other things to do. Thus, changing the environment and having social relationships eliminate addiction...or prevents it??? Then there is the theory of developing addiction as a result of trauma.
What happened to the idea of being born with an addicted mind? How about genetic reasons? Put an addict among friends and a nice place and poof everything is fine suddenly? How come that a lot of people who experienced trauma will never become addicts? Trauma definitely impacts the possibility of developing mental illness which can lead to substance abuse. Obviously, my summary is too simplified. Maybe the addicted mind means automatic attachment style issues and that is why bonding matters. I am not an expert. However, Psychology Today analyzed the above-stated issues. Here it is.
The stress level of animals cannot be compared to the stress level of humans. So the Rat Park/Heaven study is not relevant. We can agree that humans have to face extremely complicated situations including environmental and social factors. The causes of addiction probably will remain mysterious. All we can try is doing more research.
The only reason why I wrote this post is that I do not like when someone spreads the word to millions of people while: 1.he personally never experienced addiction, 2. his ideas are based on limited research. Gosh I think I am defensive. Maybe it means that I can embrace my illness even if I fight it.
Rational emotive behavior therapy was developed by Ellis in the 1950's. It is a branch of cognitive behavior therapy and focuses on rationalizing negative and irrational beliefs/thoughts. When we experience an event, many of us would develop irrational thoughts. The thoughts create feelings; the feelings affect behaviors. This method teaches us how to correct beliefs to form positive feelings and behaviors. Bla bla. It is easy. Or not. No matter how many times I heard about REBT I never applied it to my daily struggles. Practicing it in rehab changed that. When someone shared bad beliefs regarding an event, the others "yelled" at them: REBT it!
I thought it might be a good idea to demonstrate the process through an example:
I thought it might be a good idea to demonstrate the process through an example:
This conversation (in different forms) happened many times before and during rehab. My addicted brain raised denial-related questions to avoid change. Sure. I knew the answers...not that it mattered in the beginning.
I am not an alcoholic. I choose to drink...because I like it. Oh and I can stop anytime I want.
You are able to get rid of alcohol from your system. Choose? Want? Those are not option anymore. You have no control.
What about my problems? My problems seem less concerning when I drink.
Haha. Wrong again.You simply numb yourself with alcohol, but your problems are still there and they get worse.
I am not an alcoholic. I choose to drink...because I like it. Oh and I can stop anytime I want.
You are able to get rid of alcohol from your system. Choose? Want? Those are not option anymore. You have no control.
What about my problems? My problems seem less concerning when I drink.
Haha. Wrong again.You simply numb yourself with alcohol, but your problems are still there and they get worse.
Why do I need to
self-medicate myself when others can deal with their issues?
Because you were born like this...
Now that is crap! Just because my counselor said that...
Where do you think he got the information? Ooops, actually you know this answer. You researched it.
Because you were born like this...
Now that is crap! Just because my counselor said that...
Where do you think he got the information? Ooops, actually you know this answer. You researched it.
I do not want to be
labeled as an alcoholic for the rest of my life!
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. OK the wording can be misunderstood. It is not a label, it means that you will never be able to drink safely again.
And the ones who claim that they became social drinkers or can drink in moderation after a while?
There is a very thin line between abuse and addiction. People who abuse alcohol might achieve this. Alcoholics? No. Sorry. Remember, you researched this as well.
There are alcoholics who still say they could do it.
They say. Miracles happen. Or they are not honest. Does that ring a bell?
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. OK the wording can be misunderstood. It is not a label, it means that you will never be able to drink safely again.
And the ones who claim that they became social drinkers or can drink in moderation after a while?
There is a very thin line between abuse and addiction. People who abuse alcohol might achieve this. Alcoholics? No. Sorry. Remember, you researched this as well.
There are alcoholics who still say they could do it.
They say. Miracles happen. Or they are not honest. Does that ring a bell?
Let's say I start the recovery process. How could I forgive
myself for all the crap I did to others?
Hard stuff. It will probably take sleepless nights and several years but it is possible. We all know that we cannot change the past.
Exactly, so how could those people forgive me?
Asking for forgiveness is your task; their reaction is not your concern. If you can accept this, you will forgive yourself because you will understand that it is the only way. Call your Creator, she/he/it will be glad to assist you with unconditional love.
Hard stuff. It will probably take sleepless nights and several years but it is possible. We all know that we cannot change the past.
Exactly, so how could those people forgive me?
Asking for forgiveness is your task; their reaction is not your concern. If you can accept this, you will forgive yourself because you will understand that it is the only way. Call your Creator, she/he/it will be glad to assist you with unconditional love.
So? I always followed spiritual paths...What am I supposed to do???
Shut up and listen! 😉
I knew the Four Agreements; I actually studied it long time ago. However, I stopped caring about it just like I stopped caring about other spiritual aspects of my life. I pretended that I was still spiritual...when I tried to help others; not when I needed to help myself.
H. read the entire book when he was in rehab. By the time I got in, it mysteriously disappeared from the tiny library but the basic principles were written on a bulletin board in the lounge. H. bought me a copy and brought it in. Oh yes, I remembered. On the other hand, I was surprised. I had no clue that The Four Agreements can provide guidance to addicted people who have to recover their mind.
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
H. read the entire book when he was in rehab. By the time I got in, it mysteriously disappeared from the tiny library but the basic principles were written on a bulletin board in the lounge. H. bought me a copy and brought it in. Oh yes, I remembered. On the other hand, I was surprised. I had no clue that The Four Agreements can provide guidance to addicted people who have to recover their mind.
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
“You can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is the action. Without action upon an idea, there will be no manifestation, no results, and no reward”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
I got used to the daily routine and the discipline. I always needed discipline because I could not discipline myself which is a common characteristic among addicted individuals. It is not our fault and it is not something that others do not lack. We just have different reactions to it. It sounds weird but I liked the open doors, the nurses who checked on us during the night, and the entire schedule. My favorite was the homework time. I wrote in my journal that included describing plans. It also encouraged us to be honest with ourselves and study the background of addiction. I loved taking notes during the therapy sessions. Rating our days and evenings also offered insights about our progress. When I rated one morning as a 10, I received a standing ovation. It was a big deal and did not happen very often.
Every single day I met my psychiatrist. Usually for 5 minutes. He only prescribed medication but he was there if I wanted to talk. My physician completed blood tests regularly. My results happily screamed at me saying that they were fantastic. I almost hugged the doctor because I was afraid that my health hid nasty secrets of liver disease or other illnesses. However, it was annoying that the nurses refused to give me simple Tylenol for my aching neck unless I consulted with my doctor. It was pretty uncomfortable in the middle of the night when the doctors were not available. Ah well, I got an ice pack...
The daily AA meetings were confusing to the entire group, Many of us knew the program and previously attended meetings outside. The issue was the sharing part. We agreed that it was useless because it seemed forced especially when we had volunteer AA visitors who acted as they were little leaders (of course there are no leaders in AA..well not normally). We rather shared when we were coloring, walking to the cafeteria or hanging out on the corridors. Those precious conversations meant the world to me.
I learned the most from my fellows. Their thoughts, experiences, and personal stories helped me to realize how similar we were to each other. Knowing that I was not simply crazy or lost provided serenity and motivation to change. On the other hand, sometimes I felt like I had two different personalities. How could I laugh and joke around when I felt lonely and scared? Did I cover my face with a mask?
Soon I became aware that my soul tried to defeat and save itself in the same time. I thought that my fight started before rehab. Nope. I stepped on the battlefield when I entered the program. My insanity was attacked by an awakening sanity. My maladaptive thoughts had strong and deep roots that I intended to dig up. But all the new information made my mind sweat. Thank god it did not stink...
Every single day I met my psychiatrist. Usually for 5 minutes. He only prescribed medication but he was there if I wanted to talk. My physician completed blood tests regularly. My results happily screamed at me saying that they were fantastic. I almost hugged the doctor because I was afraid that my health hid nasty secrets of liver disease or other illnesses. However, it was annoying that the nurses refused to give me simple Tylenol for my aching neck unless I consulted with my doctor. It was pretty uncomfortable in the middle of the night when the doctors were not available. Ah well, I got an ice pack...
The daily AA meetings were confusing to the entire group, Many of us knew the program and previously attended meetings outside. The issue was the sharing part. We agreed that it was useless because it seemed forced especially when we had volunteer AA visitors who acted as they were little leaders (of course there are no leaders in AA..well not normally). We rather shared when we were coloring, walking to the cafeteria or hanging out on the corridors. Those precious conversations meant the world to me.
I learned the most from my fellows. Their thoughts, experiences, and personal stories helped me to realize how similar we were to each other. Knowing that I was not simply crazy or lost provided serenity and motivation to change. On the other hand, sometimes I felt like I had two different personalities. How could I laugh and joke around when I felt lonely and scared? Did I cover my face with a mask?
Soon I became aware that my soul tried to defeat and save itself in the same time. I thought that my fight started before rehab. Nope. I stepped on the battlefield when I entered the program. My insanity was attacked by an awakening sanity. My maladaptive thoughts had strong and deep roots that I intended to dig up. But all the new information made my mind sweat. Thank god it did not stink...
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