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The Mind in Recovery

A personal journey of fighting the addicted and destructive mind.

This conversation (in different forms) happened many times before and during rehab. My addicted brain raised denial-related questions to avoid change. Sure. I knew the answers...not that it mattered in the beginning.



I am not an alcoholic. I choose to drink...because I like it. Oh and I can stop anytime I want.
You are able to get rid of alcohol from your system. Choose? Want? Those are not option anymore. You have no control.

What about my problems? My problems seem less concerning when I drink.
Haha. Wrong again.You simply numb yourself with alcohol, but your problems are still there and they get worse.

Why do I need to self-medicate myself when others can deal with their issues?
Because you were born like this...
Now that is crap! Just because my counselor said that...
Where do you think he got the information? Ooops, actually you know this answer. You researched it.

I do not want to be labeled as an alcoholic for the rest of my life!
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. OK the wording can be misunderstood. It is not a label, it means that you will never be able to drink safely again.
And the ones who claim that they became social drinkers or can drink in moderation after a while?
There is a very thin line between abuse and addiction. People who abuse alcohol might achieve this. Alcoholics? No. Sorry. Remember, you researched this as well.
There are alcoholics who still say they could do it.
They say. Miracles happen. Or they are not honest. Does that ring a bell?

Let's say I start the recovery process. How could I forgive myself for all the crap I did to others? 
Hard stuff. It will probably take sleepless nights and several years but it is possible. We all know that we cannot change the past.
Exactly, so how could those people forgive me? 
Asking for forgiveness is your task; their reaction is not your concern. If you can accept this, you will forgive yourself because you will understand that it is the only way. Call your Creator, she/he/it will be glad to assist you with unconditional love.

So? I always followed spiritual paths...What am I supposed to do???
Shut up and listen! 😉






After I admitted that I am an alcoholic, I spent days of research to find options. I totally rejected the idea of Alcoholics Anonymous. Come on, what is this bullshit? Once you’re an alcoholic you will always be an alcoholic. No way. 12-step program…what for? I can fix myself. I can do it, I can do it, and only I can do it. I would like to clarify something at this point: I do NOT think that individuals with substance abuse are incapable of sobering up without programs or counseling. However, it did not work for me. I tried very hard and I failed. In my case, those attempts were the result of fighting my addicted mind. She was scared and evil. She told me to fight alone. She knew that she could trick me. While I was searching for solutions, I still kept drinking. And I kept pretending that I could win. My imagination was showing wrong pictures again. Now I can smile at myself in a loving and non-judgmental way. Here is why: I was drinking wine while I imagined a battlefield with powerful creatures that destroyed my monster. But soon I had to realize that my actions were useless. I gave up.


I started going to AA meetings. I shared my thoughts and I found a sponsor who gave me advice. Nothing changed. This was before we had to leave my mom-in-law’s house. As I mentioned, H. went to rehab. Meantime I packed up our little stuff that was placed in storage later. It was not as horrible as I imagined. What was horrible is that I had to find a new family for my precious little bird. She was part of my family for almost 9 years. My heart broke but not only because I had to give her away. Later as I became more honest with myself I had to admit that I was a terrible Mama Bird. As my alcoholism got worse, I got more impatient and angry. I often neglected her. I fed her and took her out of the cage; however, I stopped showing love. I know that part of the recovery process is forgiving. Not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself for my ugle behavior toward her. 

On the day H. left the hospital, my family members dropped me off in a parking lot where H. met me. Thankfully, my mother wired us some money so we could move into a motel for few days. H. did not drink anymore. I was fascinated by the change I saw on him. I wanted to follow his path. I read the Big Book, I meditated, and I took notes. Nothing changed. Rehab became my only chance.
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Blog Archive

  • ▼  2017 (13)
    • ▼  February (13)
      • I am still writing
      • Leaving rehab
      • Fact check: TED talk on addiction
      • REBT it!
      • Conversation with myself
      • The Four Agreements
      • Working for sanity
      • THE roommate
      • Rehab: The first day
      • Hi, My Name is Sophie
      • How I Became an Alcoholic...
      • Let's Enjoy Life!
      • The Beginning

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