On the 30th of December, I was ready to leave the facility. I talked to the psychiatrist and the social workers. They wished me good luck saying that I seem to be very strong (am I?). I had to fill out some paperwork then they gave me back my belongings. It was funny because I had to pack in the hallway so I couldn't share anything with someone else. I sat on the floor. My new friends tried to help and they constantly giggled. When H. arrived I got way too excited...and sad. I kept hugging the entire group one by one. I admit that half of my soul did not want to leave at all...can you imagine? I got used to the environment, the rules, and the strict schedule. I still make schedules in my daily life to discipline myself. Yep, I enjoy it.
By this time, H. had a new job and our new apartment was almost ready to take us in. In the meantime H.'s AA friend and his cute dog let us to stay in his house. Blessings.
My mind was spinning as we left the hospital. I was unable to decide whether I should be happy or melancholic. Maybe I can afford both feelings. I was free but deep inside I was scared of the reality. The program did focus on recovery and the possibilities of the future. However, we did not have a lot of stimuli from the real world. What if I will fail...slip. What if I cannot adapt again? What if I cannot take responsibility? What if I will want to drink again?
I knew that I should not think about anything but the "now". So I started chatting with H. on the way to his friend's house. I admired the snowy trees and the dirty roads. We stopped at a store to buy groceries and I looked around in awe as if I was a child. At one point, I just laughed hysterically (not in the store though). Probably I had a hypomanic episode.
I remained a bit confused and could not find sleep that night. I missed the light from the hallway for heaven's sake. I even missed the checks. Ridiculous, isn't it? But I did not want to drink.
Rational emotive behavior therapy was developed by Ellis in the 1950's. It is a branch of cognitive behavior therapy and focuses on rationalizing negative and irrational beliefs/thoughts. When we experience an event, many of us would develop irrational thoughts. The thoughts create feelings; the feelings affect behaviors. This method teaches us how to correct beliefs to form positive feelings and behaviors. Bla bla. It is easy. Or not. No matter how many times I heard about REBT I never applied it to my daily struggles. Practicing it in rehab changed that. When someone shared bad beliefs regarding an event, the others "yelled" at them: REBT it!
I thought it might be a good idea to demonstrate the process through an example:
This conversation (in different forms) happened many times before and during rehab. My addicted brain raised denial-related questions to avoid change. Sure. I knew the answers...not that it mattered in the beginning.
I am not an alcoholic. I choose to drink...because I like it. Oh and I can stop anytime I want.
You are able to get rid of alcohol from your system. Choose? Want? Those are not option anymore. You have no control.
What about my problems? My problems seem less concerning when I drink.
Haha. Wrong again.You simply numb yourself with alcohol, but your problems are still there and they get worse.
Why do I need to
self-medicate myself when others can deal with their issues?
Because you were born like this...
Now that is crap! Just because my counselor said that...
Where do you think he got the information? Ooops, actually you know this answer. You researched it.
I do not want to be
labeled as an alcoholic for the rest of my life!
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. OK the wording can be misunderstood. It is not a label, it means that you will never be able to drink safely again.
And the ones who claim that they became social drinkers or can drink in moderation after a while?
There is a very thin line between abuse and addiction. People who abuse alcohol might achieve this. Alcoholics? No. Sorry. Remember, you researched this as well.
There are alcoholics who still say they could do it.
They say. Miracles happen. Or they are not honest. Does that ring a bell?
Let's say I start the recovery process. How could I forgive
myself for all the crap I did to others?
Hard stuff. It will probably take sleepless nights and several years but it is possible. We all know that we cannot change the past.
Exactly, so how could those people forgive me?
Asking for forgiveness is your task; their reaction is not your concern. If you can accept this, you will forgive yourself because you will understand that it is the only way. Call your Creator, she/he/it will be glad to assist you with unconditional love.
So? I always followed spiritual paths...What am I supposed to do???
Shut up and listen! 😉
I knew the Four Agreements; I actually studied it long time ago. However, I stopped caring about it just like I stopped caring about other spiritual aspects of my life. I pretended that I was still spiritual...when I tried to help others; not when I needed to help myself.
H. read the entire book when he was in rehab. By the time I got in, it mysteriously disappeared from the tiny library but the basic principles were written on a bulletin board in the lounge. H. bought me a copy and brought it in. Oh yes, I remembered. On the other hand, I was surprised. I had no clue that The Four Agreements can provide guidance to addicted people who have to recover their mind.
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
“You can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is the action. Without action upon an idea, there will be no manifestation, no results, and no reward”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
